Losing Sleep
by causticity
Summary: "I think about Brittany a lot. I probably think about her the most out of everything." One-shot from Santana's POV.


**Author's Note: I've had major writer's block lately. I wrote this little one-shot to try to clear that up so I can get back to work on my multi-chapter future!Sugar fic. I've never tried writing from Santana's POV. This was new for me and fun, but I might have butchered it. The title is from Living Room by Tegan and Sara.**

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><p>Lying in bed, I wish I didn't have to think. It's more trouble than it's worth. Thinking about things makes everything so damn complicated. Cheerios, grades, college, the fucking future. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? I haven't done anything special yet.<p>

Brittany. I think about Brittany a lot. I probably think about her the most out of everything. I think about her blonde hair, the way she moves like water when she dances, her clear blue eyes. I think about the sound of my name on her lips, the warmth of her arms around me, the safety of her hand in mine. But I also think about what people say about us.

That's why I don't want to think. When I do I can't stop the dark things from creeping out and laying siege to my thoughts.

It's like everything happens all at once. Grades and Brittany. The future and Brittany. Everything melts together in this uncontrollable blur. It's like I'm the conductor of a train that's headed off a cliff and I can't stop it from happening.

It's better now that everyone knows Britt and I are together. Like _together_ together. Getting to take a break from pretending is like a breath of fresh air.

I can't barely remember a time when I wasn't in love with her. The first thing she ever said to me was '_we're going to be best friends forever'._ That was the first time I remember being speechless, but it's not the last time. No one catches Santana Lopez without a comment or comeback, except Brittany.

Lying in bed, I'm vulnerable. The thoughts swirling around me like vultures. The essay I didn't finish because Britt asked me to come over, the three chapters of Oedipus I left unread because Brittany wanted to watch Aladdin, the breadsticks Brittany convinced me to eat at dinner. Thoughts are always followed by fears. Now that we're officially dating, Brittany could officially dump me. There's something more terrifying about losing our relationship now that it's tangible. I'm so scared I'm going to fuck it up now that it's real.

The clammy fingers of dread constricted my airways and made my heart pound. I flipped over in bed to look at the alarm clock. 2 AM. I reached over to pick up my cellphone from the nightstand just as the screen lit up. I smiled in spite of my mood and rolled out of bed. I quickly pulled on my shoes and a sweatshirt. Brittany's house is a familiar five minute walk away from my house.

The sidewalk looked bright white and the grass was a pale blue in the moonlight. It was unusually warm for a fall evening in Ohio. 253. Britt's house. The window to her room faces out across the Pierce's front lawn. Her window was dark. The Pierce's don't have an electric garage door opener, so I could pull up the garage door enough to slip underneath. I pushed open the door to the mudroom. Of course the light was on. They always left it on. I quietly made my way up to Brittany's room and slowly pushed open the door. Her curtains were pulled back and moonlight spilled into the room. As soon as I stepped into the room, Brittany's eyes flicked open. She smiled and sat up.

I shut the door behind me. "Hey Britt-Britt."

"I had a nightmare," said Brittany. I walked over and sat on the edge of her bed.

"Yeah, I got your text."

She grabbed my hand and pulled me down next to her. I kicked off my shoes, pulled off my sweatshirt, and climbed under the covers next to her. She put her hand on my cheek.

"Nothing can ever happen to you," she whispered. My face relaxed into a smile.

"What happened?"

"You were drowning," she said, frowning. She dragged her thumb across my cheek then my lower lip. My stomach flip-flopped and I closed my eyes. It felt like I was drowning right then.

"Well, I'm right here and I'm fine."

Her forehead was still wrinkled with concern. I gently smoothed the lines in her forehead. She wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me close into her body.

"I just think about things before I fall asleep. I think about you. Then I worry and when I sleep I have nightmares," said Brittany. I exhaled and rested my forehead against hers.

"I love you so much."

"I just want to lie here forever," she said smiling.

"That sounds perfect."

But even as I lay in bed with her listening to her breathe as she drifted off to sleep, the thoughts and fears were waiting, circling. Even with the security of her arms around me and her nose pressed into my neck, I couldn't escape the responsibilities, the expectations, the uncertainties of the coming day.

I mostly think about Brittany. I think about having her. I think about losing her. I think about other things, but somehow it always comes back to Brittany. I think about how scared I am of the future and what role Brittany will play in it, but my biggest fear is being without her. Because without Brittany, what will I think about?


End file.
